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[personal profile] addyit
 i have decided. 
if i ever, EVER want a child, i will adopt....
or ask my sister to be a surrogate. 
i'm sure she would if i was desperate. 
...thing is, i'm at the stage of my life where children, babies, are in the forefront because it is, or has been, for many of my friends for a few years. i didn't really examine this part of myself until i saw people like me having kids. many of the CFer parents i know ARE my age, or even younger. as for having one, it never occurred to be it would be a possibility because of the CF and Crohn's. if i did it, i think everything down below would be pretty well destroyed if i went the natural route (which the docs would be against)... and the meds i'm on, not good for babies and their development in utero. 
even though i have had a few wonderful examples, i don't think it would be wise. 
i have the interest. how can i not? i'm SO proud of the CFer mamas i know who have done it. i'm SO amazed at their children and their beauty, and of course, i  see a lot of young CFers, even in utero. (at a distance, of course, via internet). 
people do seem to take this as a fact that "my biological clock is ticking" and i have the urge, but strangely, i don't. i know for a fact i love my quiet life and a baby within it would probably make me crazy. one cog in my brain goes nuts if i can't have silence or quiet time, and you don't get that with a baby. what if the emotional ties never developed? it can happen. and once you HAVE a baby, you can't go back. you have another life to consider for the rest of yours. 
i've also seen the emotional highs and lows from the CFer mamas who have sick kids. :-( dying kids, kids who are RIGHT now having lung transplants. (one boy is nine. imagine that- NINE! i freakin' hate the bugs that destroy our lungs.) 
 
added to the fact to HAVE kids, you most likely have to have a partner and have sex, and sorry.... no interest. i think i'd sooner do IVF, and i think it would be important to have some sort of support in a partner. i don't think i could be like my mum and do it all on my own after a nasty divorce, working with two little babies.
also, i have rather odd ideas of children needing to be conceived in passion, rather than perfunctory fucking. the concept of THAT is offensive to me. conception is such an unconscious matter to begin with- passion is NOT needed, but it just feels like it SHOULD be, you know? 
i know. not reality. but i've seen couples do the whole impatient "tired of waiting.... MUST have baby so sex must be done right now due to temperature and ovulation" thing and the concept just offended me SO much. if you're going to HAVE a baby, why shouldn't it be fun instead of just lying there, waiting for "the right time"? you might as well make him cum into a cup and use a turkey baster, except the other way is just faster and simpler. just... UGH!
i don't mind mamas taking folic acid and their vitamins... but when they take vitamins to try to "predetermine" the sex of the child, that's when it gets weird. 
 
of course, i wouldn't be on my own, really. i'd have my mum to help me with a baby. she'd be delighted, and angry, and scared. 
there'd be arguments. she would be 100% against a pregnancy in my body because of the health problems and long-lasting impact. 

i guess people are just expecting i should be DOING these things because they're the "normal" way; the flow of life. but my life's NOT normal, and i don't think it ever has been or ever will be. i don't mind that. 

it's a shame that a doula has to be a woman who has given birth. i think it would be awesome to be one. you're a part of it for a while, then you part, but it's an episode of your life forever. 
to support someone through that time in life, of a child's life, before and after would be AWESOME. 

i think it would be one of the coolest things to be there during a birth. i'll have to see if anyone would be interested in having me nearby. as antisocial as i am, i like to think i feel the "vibes" of things and the sway of changes of mood, feelings, and the concept... it just seems awesome. 

i wonder if they have male doulas. 

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My Crohnie/CF Appendix.

April 2015

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