~staring in the mirror~ you. i want to write about you.

27 August 2010 @ 10:22 pm

this thing has taken ahold of me.

it's one of those moments in your life, when everything changes.. even if you don't know it at the time.

you're walking down the street, someone takes a hold of your throat, and bashes your head against the wall. you're stunned, you're barely there, and you either come back into focus with the thing that has ahold on you.

it's there. it's fetid. it's mutilated.

it wants you.

there's no choice here. it's chosen you, and you're not making any of the rules. what you have to do is try to figure out how to live through it, and survive.

i've always felt there's a side of me that's mutilated because of these two things. it's as if someone else has done it to me, but i've realized... it was me all along.

NO. this isn't going to turn into a harp song.

this is something i've just realized, and it's astonished me.

we all have elements in our personalities. they fold together, bending, like slim pieces of metal, coming together into the mesh of our minds. learned, genetic, everything is combined to form us.
and, i've always felt there was something not quite right with me. i've wondered, sometimes, if i was a sociopath- with the largest exception of having a conscious; i don't like to hurt people. this is the only reason i know i'm not. it's what has held me back. i can access this side of me- anyone can. i just don't like to. it's there.

in this genetic war, the war i will eventually lose, i am fighting against myself. i'm clawing at the face, the wrists of a mutilated being with a knife at my throat. every muscle is fighting and pushing back, through struggle or fever, or drugs pulsing into my system, trying to let this mutilated being ease its hold on my throat.

it's not any specific disease that's going to kill me. it's ME.
it's the genetic side that causes the thickness of mucus, causing the diseases to become entrapped!

but then again, this is the same with ANYONE!
life is a sexually transmitted disease!

will i make it easy for me?

...when have i EVER made it easy for me?

shaking hands.

27 August 2010 @ 11:36 pm

i hate it when realizations hit.

when i need to write, and i can't find the venue.
there is also a broadside. suppose i write, and what i'm writing isn't what people really think? or, it's wrong? (not morally wrong, but ACTUALLY wrong? i am not a majority. i don't make sense! i am not supposed to happen!!)

when i get like this, it's equivalent to an OCD reaction. you find some way to cope with it. so, you wash. you turn knobs. you peel grapes just so before you eat them. because, deep down, you're sure things will be all right if you do this ONE thing, and do it correctly.
i need to WRITE.
my mouth is full of meat, and i can't swallow it.

i'm afraid what i write will be utter bullshit. or, i can't or won't be able to edit it properly. but at this point, i've stopped caring. i need to write something before i mask myself and choke on my own vomit.

how do i make it make sense?

edit out the "afraid"s. edit out the "bullshit"s.

this humor, the phlegm, inside me, is culminating. it's coating the exit of my sinuses and it needs to come out.

a formal beginning to this journal.

this is my cystic fibrosis and crohn's disease journal.

hello. i'm Addy. :-)
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