if. i hate this word. it comes up so many times in my life. and, the sleepy, happy drugs don't help.

if. if i had a certainty.

well. if i had a certainty of happiness, love, pleasure, and the pull of true attachment tugging me right behind my navel... i might risk it.

i might even risk this racked, disease-infested, mutation-filled, drug mutilated body of mine. ....but that wouldn't be fair, just to appease my own desire to feel motherhood.

after the initial feeling, it would be a terror to find myself completely not up to the task. (or, dying before the child was established, alive, healthy, and an adult.)

i don't think i could do motherhood. the experience would be not what i wanted.

*a home birth would be out of the question. 
*the experience would severely be detrimental to my health, something my family have striven for so long to keep, at the very least, stable... and at the very worst, alive. 
*unknown effects of the drugs i am currently on and cannot go off, and the possible long-term effects it might cause on an innocent infant. (that, i would never be able to forgive myself for.)

this, all this, and, selfishly... i think i want to experience a birth more than i want a child. 

and, of course, surrogacy is out of the question for me. 

i think this is why i am interested in studying to be a birth coach. 

i'd prefer being a doula, but that is impossible, seeing you would need to have experienced a birth yourself, physically, in order to qualify. 

...i suppose this is why the urge to become a doula or a birth partner would be my second best option? 
gosh... that'd be an amazing experience. just to see the experience might be enough. 
as per usual, i wish i was well enough.  they might not take me on the basis of uncertainty of health! 
maybe one day. 
it's certainly on my list of things to do while i live. i mean, swimming with DOLPHINS? fuck that! :-)