(no subject)

 ‎......fuck. i just realized something. 
it's now 11 years since i started getting sick, and 10 since i was diagnosed with crohn's and CF. that happened in april.
what a clusterfuck it's been. 

why is it the only accomplishment i've had is that i'm still alive? i had great odds, excellent odds, but i expected to have been able to do so much more than this. 

and here i am still scoffing at people for complaining they have "man colds".

ever want to just find the person and kick them in the teeth? 

i'm so tired of having to explain everything. right now, i'm expecting i'm going to get into a row with someone who disagreed with me on the use of painkilling treatments/decongestants in the instance of colds. 
i still don't get it. 
if you have the choice to suffer, or not, wouldn't you choose the former? i do on a regular basis so i don't feel pain, so i don't whine as much as i could, and, more importantly, so i can give people more hope. 
i'm turning 33. 
in ten years, i've lost half my lung capacity, developed two cavities that nearly cost me 3/4 of my right lung, 2 years of MAC meds, and now, hormonal treatments for bone health. transplant surgeon. aspergillomae. 2 years of unhelpful crohn's medications before finding one that worked, and dealing with the effects of that on my lungs, mentioned above. 

and i've got people debating with me about cold medications, and "letting the womenfolk deal with the medicines". 
maybe it's my hormones, since this menses is being particularly rough with me (i haven't been bedridden with this much pain from menses for years), 
but i'm really getting sick of having to explain, especially to people who don't know, and don't care! walk a day in my shoes, and i'll show you how long you'd fucking last without the meds meant to keep you alive and in some degree of comfort.